Knowing when somebody is lying to you has become almost a science. Many law enforcement agencies from the FBI down to local police departments offer training in this subject. Observation and common sense play a large part.
Typical of using common sense; might be a situation where police are questioning a suspect about a crime. The suspect starts to yawn, stretch their arms and legs, and trying to get comfortable. They might even try removing imaginary pieces of lint from their clothing. In other words they are trying to show by body language that they are calm and relaxed because they are innocent. The truth is, if they were innocent they would not be relaxed, but angry and indignant at being wrongly accused.
Here is a way to tell if a person is doing something wrong. As example we will use a girl who thinks her fiancé is running around with other women. She should not ask him directly because he would simply deny it and nothing would be accomplished. The better approach would be for her to say, ” I saw my girl friend’s fiancé out with another woman. What should I say to her? ”
If the girl’s fiancé responds by trying to get rid of the question as quickly as possible by saying things like, “You should mind your own business. Let’s go out to a movie.” or” I hate talking about things like that ” or “Forget it.” the probabilities are he is running around and feels uncomfortable talking about it. On the other hand if he is willing to talk about it, discussing the best way to tell the girl about her fiancé as example . This indicates that he is not running around because he is comfortable talking about the subject.
It has been known for centuries that a person can become popular and in demand if they are a good listener. This is true because most people love to talk about themselves and good listeners are hard to find. The better listener you are the more popular you will be. Good listening is not just standing there with your mouth shut and ears open. Really good listening requires some activity on the part of the listener.
The idea of using some type of response is to show the person who is talking that not only do you hear what is being said but that you are emotionally involved by their dialogue. The response may be: the nod of your head, raising of he eye brows, a smile or a frown, leaning towards them, utterance of a word or what ever is appropriate at the time.
Another way to become an in demand listener is to respond to the emotional content of what is being said. So while listening to their story you might say, “I’m sure you felt angry.” Of course other terms such as frustrated, sad, happy, etc. might better apply. The idea is to describe their mental state at the time of the incident they are telling you about.
We have been describing “active listening .” It is important because it shows the other person we are interested in what they have to say and people find this very flattering.
The trick to avoid arguments is primarily useful for husbands and wives but there are many other situations where it can be very helpful.
When people live together there is bound to be a certain amount of friction that occurs. It is to be expected. Each person has their own good and bad habits. Let’s imagine a household where the husband has the habit of leaving his clothes lying around on the floor and the wife is upset with having to constantly pick them up.
One Sunday evening when the wife picks up a dirty sweat shirt to throw into the hamper she verbally attacks her husband. ” Were you raised in a barn leaving your clothes all over the floor? You turned out to be one big slob. ” At this point the husband having been attacked responds with his own attack criticizing her cooking and anything else he could think of.
What the wife should have said was, “When you leave you clothes on the floor and I have to pick them up it makes me feel like a maid instead of your wife.” She is still discussing the problem of clothes on the floor but there is no personal attack, so the husband does not attack her. This opens up the probability for a reasonable discussion about the clothes.
The idea in back of this trick is to express how the other persons bad conduct hurt your feelings instead of criticizing them for what they have done. This leads to discussion rather than confrontation.
Many parents complain that if they want their child to do something, they have to nag about it over and over again and it still doesn’t get done. Some of the reasons for this is that children are easily distracted, they would rather play and they have previously gotten out of doing the task by ignoring you.
Here is a different approach to the problem. First, explain why the task has to be done. Let’s say you want them to put their toys away. You might say,” Your toys have to be picked up and put away so you will be able to find them and play with them tomorrow. ” You might also use as an explanation, ” Your toys have to be picked up so nobody will trip over them and hurt themselves.” At this point you might ask the child, ” Will you put them away?” If the task is not done immediately stop back from time to time and simply say, “Toys.”
Another example might be getting the child to help clear the table after a meal. An explanation might be, ” Food spoils when left on the table and it can make people sick. So will you bring the dishes in the kitchen?’ If the chore is not done right away, go back from time to time and just say, ” Dishes.”
Always thank the youngster for doing the task. Let them know their work is appreciated.
Start a Conversation
The very first thing you must do to make friends is to get into a conversation with the person who is a potential friend. In order to do this, the chances are that you are going to have to be the one to speak first, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Keep in mind that the other person is probably feeling the same way.
Ask Open Ended Questions
The easiest way to get into a conversation with somebody is to just ask a question. Not the type of question that can be answered yes or no, but an open ended question that keeps them talking. You also want to show a lot of genuine interest in what they say. Here is an example of a simple yes or no question that is best to avoid. “Does the bus usually get here on time?” Now, here is an open ended question. “Why do you think people paint graffiti on buses?,” or “how do you manage to stay so fit?” You can ask about their clothes, jewelry, hairstyle, or perhaps their opinion of a new movie.
Show Genuine Interest
You must listen with interest. You can interrupt with an occasional question. Surprisingly, the person who does all the talking will always consider their interested listener to be a great conversationalist. Finally, be pleasant and make a sincere effort to like the person your talking with. One tip is to pretend you are speaking for the first time to a family relative you have never met. The other person will pick up on this genuine friendliness too in the way you speak and your body language. Don’t be afraid to show your smile. Smiling is a great way of showing that you want to be friends. Also, don’t be a “know it all” type person. Sometimes it is better to say “I don’t know,” rather than disagree.
Every encounter will not turn into a friendship, but keep at it and before you know it you will be looking for a little peace and quiet from all your new friends.
Do you have any good tips on making friends? Please share them in the comments below.